HOW TO DIAGNOSE YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET LIKE AN ADULT

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Since the recession its become commonplace to self-diagnose. Why wait in a infectious doctors clinic when you can diagnose yourself with AIDS in the click of a button?

With a bunch of keywords and limited research you too can be a doctor! And what’s more adult than breaking into the medical industry?

One time I reached the conclusion that by weeks end, I would no longer be acquainted with my big toe. Had I waited for a doctor’s appointment the following week, I would’ve been none the wiser until horror struck. Imagine my shock if I lost my toe without consultation via the Internet!

Luckily, the toe stayed. Yet, for some reason, I felt disappointed. Had the Internet lied to me, or was I simply looking in all the wrong places? 

TIP 1

THERE ARE NO RIGHT PLACES

You know that kid who said he didn’t steal the chocolate, despite having chocolate smeared all over his deceptively innocent face?

Well, that kid is the Internet. He doesn’t mean to lie, but he does. Half of the people that diagnose you on the Internet genuinely think they know what they’re on about, but chances are they probably don’t. 

TIP 2 

MAKE A REAL LIFE APPOINTMENT

Asking a member of gen-Y to pick up a phone and talk may be pushing it, but if you Google your symptoms and are greeted with everything from a tumour to the common flu, you should probably consult a doctor.

TIP 3

 KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

If your symptoms include sneezing, coughing and a runny nose KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON. You have a cold, my friend. You don’t need Google, and you don’t need an appointment, you need common sense.

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Meet Marianna

Marianna

In October, Marianna will have been a full-time adult for over three years of her life.

She’s anti-forms, anti-pout and pro-muffins.

Whilst Marianna does enjoy long walks on the beach, she finds simple pleasures, like eating nuttela out of the jar, and watching Parks and Recreation to be far more pleasurable and time effective.

 Last week it dawned on Marianna that at some stage in her adult life, she may need to clean a toilet. She may also need to boil an egg, marry another human being, and mow the lawn. She is also aware that if her arts degree doesn’t pay off, luxuries like grass may not be an issue.

 To be quite honest, she’s a little bit scared.